Resident Mothers and Fathers

Key ideas:

Promote child-centred co-operation (the resident parent usually has the most influence)
Promote the importance of non-resident fathers and mothers for children’s long-term wellbeing where it is safe to do so
Challenge parental alienation and obstruction of contact without very good reason

Around 90% of resident parents are mothers, with 10% being fathers. Resident mothers and resident fathers have many experiences and support needs in common, with some differences. Resident parents live with their children more of the time, but the separation itself may be just as emotionally loaded and painful, perhaps including a strong sense of loss, anger, or resentment. They may be juggling work, childcare and new partners (and their children), and may perceive that their life is made more difficult by the demands or behaviour of the non-resident parent.

While it is more likely that many parents presenting to agencies already will be resident mothers, traditionally separation issues have not been discussed. Practitioners may fear that hard won working relationships may be damaged, but those that have explored separation issues with clients have reported that this is not the case. As resident parents are likely to spend more time with children it is particularly important to take a child-centred approach, rather than just a client-centred one. Occasionally this will involve challenging choices and behaviour where it is clear that children’s best interests are not being served, as well as congratulating resident parents for the good work they are already doing when they are.

Practical support needed may include:

Information on benefits and debt
Help with child support claims
Help with housing issues
Signposting to legal advice regarding contact and other court orders

Working with resident parents to reduce conflict and increase co-operation

If the children are with the resident parent most of the time it is particularly important where there is conflict to save communication with the other parent for times when the children are not present. Phone calls can be after bed time, or child-centred letters may be more effective in avoiding personal issues. If they want to discuss or comment about the other parent with friends or family, it is also best to wait until children are not present. Hearing unresolved conflict and criticism of the other parent hurts them
Help the resident parent to separate issues out, particularly parenting from relationship and money issues (however legitimate). Help them to avoid using children as bargaining weapons – which hurts children, not just the other parent. They can behave well, even if the other parent doesn’t.
Is the resident parent being inconsistent with allowing contact, or giving out mixed messages: ‘Be involved, but the kids are mine?’ This is likely to demoralise the other parent and may reduce their long-term help. Explain that children are not owned by either parent but are people in their own right.
Encourage the resident parent to offer the non-resident parent time alone with the children (if safe) - identify an appropriate setting if needed, and help them agree a timetable that increases gradually to allow adjustment. Reassure them about the long term benefits of this
Encourage the resident parent to acknowledge the non-resident parent when they do something with or for the children, not just criticise what they do ‘wrong’ or don’t do
Help the resident parent to acknowledge the resident parent as an equal but different parent – they will do some things differently and that can help the child become resourceful and flexible
Minimise the effect of new partners, who are a common trigger for raised conflict. Help the resident parent to prioritise children’s needs. Withholding children to express anger about the non-president parent’s new relationship, or bowing to pressure from their own new partner to exclude the non-resident parent are likely to hurt and confuse children.

Continue to: Issues Related to Contact (NOW BELOW)

Issues Related to Contact:

A change in behaviour on return can a problem:

Resident parents can see children as being upset or naughty on their return. Are the children picking up parental anxieties about handovers from either side? Can they be re-assured? Do they need to be allowed a little more time to re-adjust each time? Is this because the non-resident parent sets different boundaries?
Agreeing common house rules and routines if possible can help, concentrating on the basics like sleeping, eating and behaviour routines. Children can understand that there are different rules in different places (like school) and can benefit from difference. It is important that children have time to adjust to change-overs.

Reliability and time-keeping. Some resident parents want the other parent to have more contact, but be frustrated by unreliability, which is also very painful for children: see ideas on working with un-motivated non-resident parents

Respite child-care. Resident parents, particularly those with complex difficulties may be tired or isolated and in need of respite – just for a rest, to develop adult relationships and friendships, or to attend training or appointments.

Various options within extended families (grandparents in particular), support networks and services can be explored. However, where safe, this is an opportunity to discuss the value of involving the non-resident parent more. Non-resident parents are a free and more sustainable solution than using professional services, and the child is likely to benefit from more time to make a positive relationship with their other parent.

If there is friction or conflict in the relationship between ex-partners, resident parents may need help to think through the long-term benefits of this to the child and themselves - weighed against negatives. For example a perceived loss of position or fear of giving ammunition for the non-resident parent to paint them as not coping, or setting a precedent from which the non-resident parent may ask for more contact, weighed against free, relatively flexible childcare.

Should the children need long-term care, positive family members like fathers are a better option than care, and agencies need to build these relationships before an emergency arises.

It is worth differentiating between different kinds of resident parents, who may vary widely. Ideas include:

Lone parents where the other parent has chosen not to be involved or is excluded for child safety reasons

Respite child care, practical help with benefits, child support, help in developing support networks (introductions to peer groups etc)

Resident parents who are excluding a willing parent and may be attempting to alienate the child from them:

Go through the child-centred checklist, emphasising the effect on the child and their long-term wellbeing, and probable damage to their own future relationship with the child

‘Lone parents’ where the other parent is around but hidden in order to increase benefits

Arrange a confidential benefits calculation through Citizens Advice or similar for living alone with a partner.

Lone parents living with children from one or more different parents and engaging in serial relationships involving successive temporary changes for children

Go through why this is happening and possible effects on children. Explore ways of maximising stability for children
Explore ways of managing how new (and possibly temporary) partners impact on children, for example keeping them separate initially, not asking children to accept them too quickly or see them as a parent figure, assessing any risks a new partner may pose carefully

Resident parents in stable new relationships with a partner who takes on a parenting role and supports the household practically (who themselves may have children from previous relationships)

Many of their needs may be met from within the family, with occasional needs in times of transition or of disagreement with the non-resident parent

Resident fathers

Resident fathers are likely to have many of the same support needs as resident mothers, but are less likely to be known to services and are more likely to be isolated. Men have historically been engaged with less, typically reporting that this is because services are delivered during working hours, because they find all-female workforces harder to identify with, are worried about being the only man there (for example at a Stay and Play group), and because of wanting to keep a low profile regarding children because of media campaigns about paedophilia. They may need reassurance that they are welcome, and a personal invitation to attend. Where possible arrange for another male to be present in group settings.

Resident mothers

Culturally resident mothers may feel a lot of pressure to provide ‘perfect’ parenting and home-making for their children, as well more contemporary roles like breadwinner. This can be particularly hard if combined with a feeling of abandonment and loneliness. If they are insecure or had a difficult upbringing the ‘mother’ element of their identity can feel threatened if fathers want to be involved post separation. Peer or family attitudes encouraging her to exclude the father can sometimes add to this. They may need reassurance that father involvement does not make mothers less important, it simply means more parental love for children, and a welcome break, along with all our normal approaches to supporting mothers.

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