This time last year I wrote a bit about my story, and how I felt that it doesn’t take Father’s Day to make you a Dad. Since then, I continue to work hard to keep the relationship with my Daughter as strong and as positive as it can be, despite a number of challenges.

Aside from the normal issues of shared parenting, like many of us, I’ve struggled with the continual battle that surrounds maintenance payments. It’s not  been helped by unemployment, moving house, and a seemingly endless succession of errors, delays and misinformation, and it got  to the point where it took a subject access request and listening to recording of conversations to finally get the CSA to acknowledge I had indeed provided them, 6 months ago,  the information they were happily telling my ex-partner they had no record of.

Needless to say, this period during which accurate payments were unable to be made led to a number of difficult exchanges and handovers became harder. However, I persevered, and I firmly believe that continued effort and consistency will continue to show my Daughter how important she is to me and how valuable her time with me is.

Throughout the last year, and indeed on many occasions, I’ve been encouraged by the positivity of our members, and the overall desire simply to get things right for our kids - and so this Father’s Day, rather than reflect on challenges, I’ve found strength in thinking of things in a slightly different way.

Father’s day is about celebrating being a Dad – whether that’s on our own, with our child, or indeed as a family unit. Regardless of any personal situations, we can still be proud of being a Dad – and a big part of that is being the best you can be, doing the best you can do, and making sure wherever possible that your child grows up safe, well and happy. And for all of us going through separation, or contact issues, that’s exactly at the heart of what we’re doing. All we want is to ensure our child or children can maintain a meaningful relationship with us, and that they continue to see us as the loving, nurturing, caring Father we are. 

As with the best approach in trying to secure and maintain contact, the focus is the child’s needs, not ours. Father’s Day is our children’s opportunity to see us at our best. So on Father’s Day, that’s exactly what we should focus on – nothing else. Put aside all of the hurt, the upset or frustration, and let them know exactly how happy we are that they’re with us, and how lucky we are that we’ve got to spend this day with them.

But what if they can’t be with us?  We’re all too familiar with the ‘two Christmas , two Easter, and two Birthday’  arrangements that have to go hand in hand with shared parenting, so  if we can’t be with our loved ones on Fathers Day itself, lets make sure the next time we’re together, we make it a special day for them – after all, its their Father’s Day… 

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Helpliner Information

UPDATE: For details on the reforms from the Child and Families Act that came into effect on 22/4/2014, please click here. 

• Covid-19 Guidance
• Child & Parenting Arrangements
  • Benefits of Shared Parenting
  • Effective Negotiation
  • Parental Responsibility
  • Parenting Plans
  • Alternatives to Court
• Separating
  • Arrangements For Children
  • Pathway
  • Schools
  • Doctors
  • Parental Alienation
• Child Maintenance and Other Benefits
  • Child Maintenance
• New Partners
• What To Tell Children
  • Relevant Books & Films
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• Family Court
  • Enforcement of Orders
  • Guidance and Information
• Books

 Scotland and Wales:

Callers from Scotland and Wales can also be referred to FNF Scotland and FNF BPM Cymru:

• FNF Scotland: http://www.fnfscotland.org.uk/, scotland@fnf.org.uk, 0131 557 2440
• FNF BPM Cymru: https://www.fnf-bpm.org.uk/, 08456 004446

FNF Factsheets

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It’s Fathers Day again and I have some more good news to share.  My daughter is at last also back in full communications with me.  Although after a long silence, she had for the last couple of years been maintaining (always via texts) that she wanted to see me, no amount of suggestion, invitation and occasional open frustration could convince her to actually carry through with it or even reply because of the "spell" hanging over her.

Over the last 18 months since we reconnected, my relationship with my son has been substantially rebuilt after over 6 years of almost total silence.  We have seen a fair bit of each other and he has even offered to help FNF, so I think he has a remarkably mature view of the situation.  This is not to say that we have explored the depths of the reasons why he didn’t contact me or respond for all that time. He has grown into an adult and the gap of all those years seems strangely unreal.  He has a wicked sense of humour (like his dad) and we both enjoy discussing philosophical and political issues.  It really almost is as if the gap hadn’t happened.  In fact it is only if I try to recall the pain and anger I experienced during that time that the gap returns a little.  Just experiencing his return in the now makes dwelling on that past pointless, even though I’m sure we’ll eventually try to understand more of what happened.

Anyway, late last year when we were discussing how to help his sister to come along for my birthday, he decided to take the bull by the horns and "cleared the air" between him his mother and his sister in such a way as the spell was broken.  The result was quite amazing.  My daughter clearly wanted to come, but at the same time also felt she would be hurting or upsetting her mother if she did.  But going to college may have changed things for her.  At college kids live in their own space.  Their mother no longer does the washing, buys the furniture, tells them to get up or tidy up, etc.  In short, they suddenly learn to take ownership of their lives and in so doing, there comes the realisation that with adult boundaries, what she does is her responsibility and how her mother reacts to her actions is not.   Of course she still didn’t want to hurt her mother, but what she did with her life was up to her and her mother would learn to accept her growing up in time too.  So she was literally liberated and joined us for my birthday and a number of times since and we are now rebuilding enthusiastically.  My son was pretty chuffed too at having brokered the deal and taken things to a tipping point and brought the three of us back together. 

In some ways in retrospect I am glad I did not persist in pursuing their mother and them for breaking contact orders.  Terrible though it was, each battle according to the strange judo of such confrontations, risks only serving to entrench the kids in a position which later can be harder and not easier to return from.  Letting them know, with as little anger as possible, that I was there for them and would never give up on them nor blame them seems to have got through until they were ready.  But of course, every case is different.  Our "problem" is still something of an elephant in the room, but the difference is that we don't let it disturb us and nor do we ignore it.  Every so often we have a little chat with it and it seems to get a little smaller...

Another little story may be worth sharing.  My daughter turned up recently and we were having a conversation about the early days (when we still had contact) after they were moved to Yorkshire from their home in the south.  Although she was 9 at the time, her memories are a little hazy.  In response to a question I told her about how I used to every Friday take the train up from London to Yorkshire to see them (although her mother would only permit my son to actually have contact on the Fridays) and travel back to the south the same day (alternate Fridays) after doing so.  She looked at me, her eyes wide, saying, you mean, you came up all that way and back just to see us?  Wow, she said, I sometimes can't even be bothered to travel back to Yorkshire from uni!  That realisation in her eyes as her adolescent attitudes gave way to adulthood and the real world of parent and child, will always stay with me. So yes, no-one should give up.

A few weekends ago I drove to Nottingham to spend an afternoon with my daughter.  It was the first time I'd visited her after three brief visits to me since we reconnected.  We had a great time and she showed me her university home and we had a very happy afternoon wandering the streets of Nottingham and just talking about anything and everything. We are getting to know each other again (she was about 13 when we last had a proper conversation and is now almost 19).

A couple of days later I received a text from her saying she was going to be "back in the land of Yorkshire" later that week and could she come and stay for "a few nights".  I guess I don't have to explain what I felt...

And she did come and stay.  And as I write this, both my children have told me how they are looking forward to this weekend.

We must never give up.  Nor lose hope. Celebrate the future and the spell will be lifted.

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Welcome to the new and improved Families Need Fathers website!

OK - that was a while ago, but some people still ask, so here goes:

Our site has been revamped to improve accessibility, and to ensure that you can access the information you need as quickly and easily as possible.

We have also upgraded our membership subscription service, meaning you will have your own unique login which works for both the Members' Area and the Forum. This Username will be unique to you, and is set up when you register.  You can use your name but we recommend some kind of nickname which does not necessarily identify you to others.

To receive our monthly Newsletter you will need to register and choose a Username and password as well as enter details such as your email address.  Once registered you will be able to choose either Free Registration - or you can choose one of the membership plans and become a member.  We rely on memberships to provide our services and support to thousands of parents and so we would naturally hope you will choose this option, but the choice of course is yours.  There is also an option to donate to FNF without becoming a member if you prefer.

There is now a 'My Profile' section for all registered users, including Members, which means you will be able to update your details in future with us in just a few clicks.

Important Information for existing users

As you might expect, we have done our best to include existing Members and Newsletter subscribers in our new system, but because existing Members/subscribers will not necessarily have a Username in the system, we will have invented Usernames for earlier users who didn't have one. 

Those users who are already users of our Forum will have Usernames already and should be able to use them to login.  But for consistency and to avoid chances of any errors, we would ask any existing Newsletter subscriber or Member trying to login for the first time to follow the same procedure: 

Select the "Login" option at the top right of this page in the menu bar and then to select the "Forgot Login" option and follow the instructions to retrieve your Username first and then reset your password.  Note: You will need the email address which you originally gave us when you registered on the old site. If that has changed since you previously became a Member please contact us.

New visitor to our site?   Please click here.

As with any new website, there may be a few teething problems along the way. If you notice anything that doesn't seem to be working as it should, please just drop us a line at webmaster@fnf.org.uk.  Or you can use the link to feedback form appearing on every page.

We hope to be able to introduce new features over the coming months to improve the website as a resource for parents and families, and we can't wait to bring you new, engaging content to support you in the future!

Thank you

Families Need Fathers - because both parents matter

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